When Doves Cry

by Milarca C. Kruse

No one can hurt you like someone you loved. They know your weaknesses because they are your weaknesses.

They might do it intentionally. And that is bad. But when they do it unintentionally it is even worse, because it shows that they did not love you in the first place, that unlike you they are not thinking of you.

When you hear them say "I am only yours" or "I miss my baby" about someone else when all they had for you was "no strings attached", it happens to feel like a strong, swift Jackie Chan kick to your lower abdomen.

You can feel the tears welling up in your eyes and the rage boiling in your temples and yet do nothing.

This will beyond the shadow of a doubt make you feel insignificant, inadequate and unworthy. No matter how much you loved them or you tried to make them happy, it obviously was not good enough. Having shared your body with theirs feels like you were just a receptacle for their fluids, a convenient appliance.

And it happens over and over again, like an episode of The Twilight Zone or that movie Groundhog Day.

It makes me think of that story that circulated a decade ago about the tugboat full of garbage that went from port to port hoping to finally be able to be welcome and being rejected by everyone.

I see that story as a metaphor for the way love works.

Your body is the tugboat. Your soul, thoughts and emotions are the garbage.

Anyone would take a good-looking tugboat. No one minds taking it for a spin.

But the moment people find out that the "garbage" comes along with it, they turn you out and off you go to another port. Hoping, praying that finally someone will take you in. And the garbage keeps piling higher and higher at each port.

"I do not think we are made for each other."  "I am not ready for a commitment."  "I do not know if you are The One."  "I am also seeing this really sweet girl and I do not want to hurt her."  "Even though we have a lot in common I don't think we should see each other."  "I am looking for someone who will be a good wife and mother."  "I have always fantasized about ending up with a (insert nationality or ethnicity here) because they are so fascinating. ..." "You are too wild for me."  It all smells. It makes your soul darker and your heart shatters one more time. Each and every time.

And yet you pull up your anchor and you send the boat out to sea, Maybe the next port ...

If you just can get that rust off the boat ...

And you think you see a lighthouse on the horizon.

Copyright © Milarca C. Kruse 2003