Safe Coffee

by Sherie Pollack

Coffee is the new Sex—your knowledge of the beans, how they're ground, where they're from and how to order it reveal your worldliness and sexual sophistication.

(They're trying to push tea as the new coffee, but—face it folks—no cigar.)

This sophistication starts off early and is known as "cool" in grade school, which—years ago on a planet called 'the Midwest'—meant having a broken arm with a "cool" cast. Today's third-grader must know Britney's latest stylist, be ready to debate any Jackson sibling's latest escapade and have a firm conviction about Carbs.

In highschool (and beyond), "cool" quickly translates into sexual knowledge, with fashion and social habits all leading to your expertise with you-know-what.

If you wear a small, slightly tarnished silver wire in your ear, it means you've had sex in Europe, outside ... on the beach. Tattoos and other piercings seem to indicate more beach sex and some interesting urban indiscretions as well.

Regarding smoking: it's important that you at least have had a small nicotine habit at some point—this means you've had casual sex with someone very inappropriate (you know, live a little).

But coffee—and how your order it—that's the deal-breaker.

If you even glance at the menu board, the disgruntled, determined-to-look-"artsy" server, who's pierced, tattooed and carrying enough attitude for all of Detroit, will send a loud signal to all within earshot: "Patience, please, we have a Virgin ordering wrong." Then the little pisher (Yiddish for 'irritant'), will correct you and glare scornfully when you specifically order your cappuccino to be " ... Nonfat, please." Mind you, everyone else orders tailor-made coffee drinks, but you are now a loser Virgin; you have obviously never been to rehab and indeed have yet to taste nicotine gum.

One must bite one's tongue when insulted at coffee places; you don't want to anger them by putting the coffee servers in their places—like hair stylists, they could hurt you, ruin your reputation, make your beverage full-fat or, even worse, use tap water.

It is best to swallow your pride and learn the correct coffee lingo; you'll receive the beverage you want, earn the respect of the server (you never know, that kid might own this town one day), and your social life will remain your secret.

Copyright © Sherie Pollack 2004