The Fountain of Youth

by Sherie Pollack

I look younger than I am.

What's my secret?

No Salt?

Ice Blended Decaf with Sunblock?

A great big hat—twist-tied on my head?

"C'mon Sherie, give!"

And I will, right here and now folks; for there is no secret, costs you nothing and is easy as pie:

GO HOME AND VISIT THE FAMILY!

You too can lose ten, twenty, maybe thirty years of pesky maturity and wisdom.

Regress and Rejuvenate is my millennium motto!

Try these sure-fire exercises while at home with the folks:

OFFER TO DRIVE

When your parents say Dad will drive—"There are Crazies on the road" and " ... You don't know the City ... " (the one you grew up in)—sigh really loud and slump down in your Hi-chair. Now, as they cart you around the neighborhood, venture to ask them how in the world they think you drive to work and back everyday all by yourself.

When your mother replies matter-of-factly, "I don't know" ... drop your head in your hands and loudly exert all the air you have in your lungs out through your mouth. And WHAMMO! You're sixteen again and have rediscovered that teenage whine you thought was lost forever.

But don't try to reason with them, that makes wrinkles. Just enjoy the ride and listen to your mother reading store signs out loud as Dad spits out the window.

Advanced Exercise

GO OUT TO EAT WITH THE FOLKS.
(My personal favorite, with rapid age removing results.)

Order your meal last so all the attention is on you.

Request at least one substitute on the menu, something healthy like a salad instead of fries. This will rev up your mother's maternal instincts.

Not only do you eat wrong, you don't eat enough of it. She'll proceed to blame California, whether you live there or not, and actually order for you—using words like, "She'll have the Brisket and Barley soup."

Proceed to refuse to eat the bread and when the food comes, smush the stuff around your plate. Now, when Mom starts in again, feign cramps.

And behold! You've saved yourself a thousand calories! Keep this up and you'll be at your high school fighting weight in no time.

Lastly, stand in front of the mirror in your old bedroom. Look at your body. Realize you are indeed developing your mother's rear end and your father's jowls. Embrace this.

Own this. And proceed to throw the biggest, loudest tantrum you can. Let it out.

You've now regressed to two years old. Revel in your boundless energy as you fling yourself red-faced on the bed.

I recommend at least two long visits a year, followed by periodic surprise visits by them, to your home.

Results guaranteed.

Copyright © Sherie Pollack 2004