This Is Only A Test

by Beth Lane

Relax.

I am not having a mid-life crisis or an empty nest crisis or any other kind of psycho-babble "syndrome".  Although, I do admit this experience would come in handy if I ever was to go through one.

Thirty-five is nowhere near mid-life, besides I absolutely love this carefree nirvana of freedom I've achieved by finally getting ALL my kids in school. Really, I've been meaning to get that lint picked out of my bellybutton for thirteen years and the alphabetized spice rack is a terrific time saver.

Just the other day—while I was working out an idea involving making holiday ornaments out of dust balls I pulled from under the sofa—I remarked to my son's lizard how utterly peaceful it is around here now. A girl could get spoiled with so much "me" time on her hands.

Why, after clearing the breakfast dishes and scraping the toothpaste globs out of the sink, I still have OVER FIVE carefree hours to devote to nurturing my inner self and creative talents. Just think of all the meaningful activities I can pursue. I could learn to draw and paint. I could take a yoga class or even learn to play the piano. The sky's the limit. Watch me fly!

True, the quiet in the house was a little rough at first, but arguing with talk radio all day really helps cut the endless silence. I'm not complaining, honest I'm not. After all those years of not being able to accomplish anything with those kids under foot, you won't catch me griping about nothing to do. I relish my solitude. I've arrived! Just watch me go!

Say, that reminds me, I really do have to go. I promised Caleb the dog that we would have our tea party early today so we wouldn't miss the opening scene of Guiding Light. It's his turn to wear the green bridesmaid dress and he gets so testy when I'm late.

Really, don't worry about me. This is only a test. Practice for the real "empty nest" day in the future and I think I'm handling it very well.

When the time comes I'm sure I'll be fine. ...

Just fine.

Copyright © Beth Lane 2003