Neighborhood Gossip

by Rebecca Knight

"Hard night last night. My neighbor tried to blow up his pool."

"You don't say."

"Yeah, that Darwin list—the one that lists people who never should have made it this far up the evolutionary chain—well, he should be right up top."

"Huh, no kiddin'. So, what'd he do anyways?"

"Well, the story is he was mixin' chemicals. You know the chlorine one that stinks up the place for a week. Well, seems he mixed some extra and capped it."

"No shit."

"No shit. 'Cordin to his wife that is. Course she took out some extra life insurance on his ass 'bout a week ago."

"Huh."

"Yeah damn salesman screwed up and came knockin on my door. Right when I was puttin' the baby down no less."

"Asshole."

"Yeah. Anyway, he comes up my walk all shits and smiles. Dingdonging my bell and says 'Is this 5698' and I say 'No, who you looking for?' and he says 'Charlene Anderson.' I pointed him across the way. Now I knew he was one of those damn life insurance fellows, he had one of them pewter gray colored wavy lookin' suitcases—you know the ones I mean."

"Umm-hm, sure do. Got all those needles in there for drawin' blood, checkin' for AIDS and shit. Damn vampires. Wonder if they do those genetic testin' on the side. You know the ones where they test for cancer genes and shit."

"Old Mr. Jones down the way used to work for Azure Rood you know the big insurance place. Here him talk, they been testin' for shit they ain't suppose to for years. Wouldn't surprise me none to find out they know what day we'll all be pushin' up daisies."

"So, how come you think the life insurance was for him not her? It's not like his lazy ass is working or nothing. Hell, he don't even watch those kids half the time."

"Yeah, how many times has the ambulance been out to the house for him?"

"You got a point there. Still why waste good money payin' for him, he's the kind of dumbass that'll live forever outa luck."

"It's gotta run out sooner or later and I figure at the rate he's goin' it'll be sooner than later. So anyways, I heard a couple of other stories on how he was trying to blow up the pool. "

"From who?"

"The kids who were swimmin' when he blew the chemicals up."

"He's mixin' chemicals with kids playin' a coupla feet away? Damn that man's stupid."

"Uh-huh, if he were mine, I'd max out the insurance—see she ain't stupid. Anyway, so accordin' to the kids, he was using the hose addin' water to the bucket."

"But you just said Charlene said he already had it mixed up."

"That's what Charlene told me yesterday. Struck me as kinda funny then, I seem to recall that chlorine makes a gas when mixed with water."

"Yeah, I seem to remember hearing the same thing. Sure as hell stinks up my bathroom when I get around to cleaning my toilet."

"Uh-huh. The kids told me that he stuck the hose in and it blew up in his face. Then little Drew said that a lid blew off, like it was sorta closed up. Ms. Liddy next door says she heard the explosion in her kitchen, and that is clear across the house—she told me that while I was chattin' with the firemen. Charlene's dog was loose, I went and chased it down damn thing ran right into the back yard."

"Did it get hurt?"

"Nah—the firemen said it was safe back there."

"Too bad—like to drop kick that damn dog."

"Is it still taking a dump in your flower bed?"

"Yeah and now there's some other damn dog chasin' the chipmunks, tearin' huge holes in the ground—it's that beagle that lives next to you. Don't they ever leash that thing?"

"Nope, that dope head thinks it's car bait. Figures the speed demons 'round here will hit it before the kids. It and Charlene's dog lay in the middle of the damn street. Tell you what, one day a car is gonna swerve to miss those damn dogs and take out one of the kids. Damn pot head—his wife can't get insurance on his ass since the fall. Too bad—his ass should be number two on the Darwin Loser List."

"Yeah well his dog is going to be eating rat bait if they don't do something about it. Tired of fillin' in the holes."

"You should go over there, get his lame ass to fill them in, or his kids. He has two boys ya know."

"I know who they are, why ya think I don't ask."

"You're right, you'd have to fix whatever the little screwups did. I asked the fireman why it happened. They told me he probably put water on the chlorine. Apparently chlorine explodes when you mix it wrong way 'round. You put the powder in water not water on powder. Now Mr. Jenkins next door says he's been mixin' it wrong since they moved there. He says that Jerald's been damn lucky."

"Mr. Jenkins is an old fart. He's pissed at Jerald anyways for puttin' that 'No Trespassing' sign on his side of the fence. That was a shitty thing to do. You know his boy spends just as much time at Mr. Jenkins place when his grandsons are around. Just plain shitty."

"He told me. Charlene told me a different story the next morning, I saw her at the store getting some kerosene, for their camping trip next week."

"They are always going camping. Too bad he doesn't get lost in the woods. Wonder how many ways he could blow up a pool?"

"Dunno, but she says that he mixed two brands of chemicals."

"Dumbass."

"She bought a different brand. Interesting huh."

"I'll say."

"So you think..."

"Dunno. But seems kinda weird if you ask me."

"What the hell was that?"

"Sounded like ... holy shit! Call 911—his lawnmower exploded."

.

"Now, tell us about the kerosene, you saw her purchase it where?"

Copyright © Rebecca Knight 2003